Hanging By This Moment
by blue252
Summary: "She tells herself that there's nothing wrong with a night out. Nothing wrong with wanting to cheer her partner up, right? But there probably is something wrong with the way her pulse is racing at just the memory of his eyes on her across the desk." AU post-ep for 3x18 One Life to Lose. Two shot.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: Happy Belated Birthday Berkielynn & Hope! Originally based on a song prompt from Berkielynn. This will be a two shot AU post-ep for season three's One Life to Lose. All of my thanks to Jess and Nic for the help. Love you both!_

* * *

**Hanging By This Moment**

They're having a moment. He's sure of it. He's had the photo signed and ready to give to her for a day now, just waiting for the right time. And he really had no ulterior motive behind it, wasn't expecting a story, or trying to bribe her into revealing anything. He just wanted to see her smile. Because Kate Beckett smiling does things to him, makes him want things. Things he shouldn't act upon, things they never talk about, but he can't help it. He's known it for a while now. That somewhere along the line this _thing_ between them has shifted from simple attraction to something deeper, something much more difficult to ignore. From research and flirting to partners to an emotion he's afraid to name because he's not sure that he'd recover if he acknowledged it and she didn't feel the same.

He can't explain it but he feels himself gravitating in her direction, feels the steady draw of it, heavy, magnetic. It's in the way she's let him in over time, the way they have quit fighting with each other and started fighting together. Some days they're still opposing forces getting under each other's skin but, ultimately, they always find each other; and he wonders if they're on a course set long ago, moving toward something that neither of them fully have control over anymore. Maybe they never had control of it in the first place.

He knows she's not his. Knows it's not his place to want more than what they are, _whatever_ it is that they are, but he can do this. He can make her smile, _wants _to make her smile; and he's done trying to ignore how badly he craves it or how far he'll go to earn those smiles because if that's all he can have he'll spend a lifetime collecting them, filing them away in his mind.

And now they're having a moment. He knows it by the way she paused, just a second, took a breath, got that dreamy look in her eyes as if she was going back in time right before she told him about watching Temptation Lane with her mother. He can't stop himself from leaning in, absorbing the details because it's not just any day that Beckett opens up and shares something from her past. These are the times he treasures, stores in his memories, can't get enough of because they're glimpses into the Kate he wishes so badly to know. He wants to know all of her, will take whatever she gives him and when she does allow him to see this side of her he doesn't want to miss a single thing.

_It makes me feel like home and safe._

He hates that there's a desk between them; all at once, that foot of space seems like too much. He's helpless against the way her eyes are shining at him and the smile that lights up her entire face. His stomach flip flops and he wants to touch her, wants to run his hand across her cheek, pull her into his arms because she's magic in these moments and it's irresistible. It fills him with a joy that he can hardly contain but damn, he's got to because he doesn't get to go that far. They're defined by these unspoken boundaries that he's learned to respect because he's done more than his share of overstepping in the past. He can't screw it all up again, not when they've come so far. So he's scrambling to respond somehow, to let her know that he'd never judge her for these memories, to show her how much it means when she allows him another layer deeper. He's got to say something, something that's enough but not too much.

_I am glad to know this about you._

It's hardly adequate. The silence between them as they share a look laced with so much of what he's not yet naming is emboldening him, making him want to say the hell with boundaries and lines and just invite her out with him and the boys. He doesn't want to say goodnight yet. Not now that he's mesmerized by the way the light falls across her face, brings out the golden tones in her eyes, and the way her teeth sink into her bottom lip just ever so much as she grins at him across the desk. His heart is pounding, has just increased to about ten times its normal rate.

He can't stop the smile that quirks across his face, hers is so contagious; and he's about to open his mouth, is fully prepared to just go for it (_come out with me, Kate_)_…_when he hears her phone ring. They both drop their eyes on cue and he almost doesn't need to look to know. To feel the wave of reality crashing down on them both, the connection instantly severed by the name on the screen.

_Josh._

The doctor's face smiles up at them from the phone on the desk and it digs at him like a knife in his chest. He'd almost laugh at the timing if it weren't so painful. A wave of nausea rolls through him as he realizes just how dangerous it is when he lets himself get swept up in her. In just seconds he's gone from feeling on top of the world to being kicked in the stomach, an emotional whiplash that he's grown accustomed to when it comes to Beckett's significant others but hurts nonetheless. They're like a bad film reel in his mind that plays back, taunting him with all the times she's slipped away from him just when it feels like they're on the verge of everything. Will, Demming, Josh…

It's the biggest reason he walks away. He's always walking away. Being the bigger man because really, if she's happy, what more could he ask?

But that doesn't make it any easier. It never seems to get easier. Only more painful to do this dance they do, sidestepping emotions, ignoring the rush of feeling that seems to blanket them in moments like they just shared.

So he looks away, can't bring himself to see the smile on her face that was once for him replaced with one for another man.

"I'll leave you to it."

He turns to grab his coat and go, flashes her a smile that doesn't quite meet his eyes anymore. He wills himself not to look back, not to think about another missed opportunity in a long line of those that are steadily piling up. But then she's thanking him, seems almost reluctant to see him leave. He forgoes his usual goodbye for an "_I'll see you_," because suddenly he's not just sad but also a little angry. Angry at himself for always letting it go, not taking a risk, for forcing himself to ignore the flutters of hope that spring up inside him when she's looking at him the way she is right now. Angry at her for not realizing what they could have, that she's every bit as much invested in this thing as he is, and it's _just not fair_.

He heads to the bar with a bottle of scotch and her smile haunting his mind.

* * *

"Hey." She answers her phone distractedly; something about the look on Castle's face as he walked away is nagging at her. She could have sworn he was going to say something else before Josh called, is slightly embarrassed to admit that she was holding her breath waiting on his words. But then there was the call, startling them both. Just like that he was up and gone and saying "_I'll see you_," instead of "_Until tomorrow_," and when the hell did she become so attached to and hyper-aware of the phrasing of his goodbyes?

She shakes her head and tries to focus on the voice speaking on the other side of the line but Josh is telling her about some complicated surgery that has come up, something about it taking hours and being tedious and she can't help but let her mind drift again.

It's just…she was touched by Castle's gift. Sure, it was only a signed photo, probably wasn't even difficult for him to get between his celeb connections and Martha being a former cast member. When he'd discovered that she was a fan, she'd really expected him to make fun of her more, to rib her constantly over the soap opera that she's sure seemed completely out of character for her to be invested in. Instead, he'd been thoughtful enough to bring her the cast photo and he looked so pleased, so genuinely happy to hear about her past with Temptation Lane, about curling up on the couch with her mom, that it'd warmed her heart, made her want to share these things. It was somehow easier with him. Easy in a way that it hadn't been with anyone else since her mother had died. And she can't deny that she was more than a little caught up in the way his eyes were sparkling at her across the desk, his fist tucked against his chin as if he was forcing himself to contain his thoughts from spilling out. And she lo- (she mentally corrects herself, geez, Kate get a grip)…_likes_ that about him, that even though he's usually rambling and energetic and teasing, he always stops and listens to her when she talks, like she's the most important person in the room. Like the _only_ person there.

It's not as though she's never had a man in her life that listened, that cared. But the vast majority of the men she's dated have been busy, as well. Have had their own lives, their own careers that came first. And years ago she'd have argued that's exactly what she wanted, needed even. Her independence, the ability to maintain her distance, to keep herself from risking a loss again. But there's something about Castle that's different, dangerous, has her both wanting to dive in and run away at the same time. Because for the first time since she can remember she finds herself slowly stepping past the lines she's drawn for herself. It's gradual and she's not even always conscious of it until after the fact but it's happening. It scares her. It feels _right._

She listens halfheartedly as Josh explains that he's going to have to cancel their dinner plans and her stomach drops when she realizes that the only thing she feels is…relief. She tries to force_ that_ thought out of her mind, the way she's been avoiding similar thoughts more and more lately, while she accepts his apology, tells him it's fine.

She packs her things up as she says goodbye, shoves her arms into the coat formerly laying across the back of her chair and wonders why exactly it feels like something's missing when Castle's not there to hold it up for her. Wonders why she can still feel the ghost of his fingertips against her arms from a practiced routine they conduct almost every evening.

She stares down at the phone still in her hand, bites at her bottom lip, wondering whether she should send him a message. She wants to, she's not stubborn enough to deny that. She can still see the bitterness hiding behind his smile as he walked away and it needles at her, part of her fears that a text isn't really what he wants. Something (or _someone_, her mind screams) shattered their moment earlier and while she knows it's probably not the best idea she's ever had, she can't help wishing she could fix it, that she could recapture that look in his eyes, the one she'd placed there just by giving him a small piece of her past.

She plays with her phone case in an unconscious gesture as she ponders what to do. She did overhear the boys inviting him out for a drink at the Old Haunt earlier so maybe she could stop by later, invite Lanie to come or something too. She _is_ free tonight after all. She finally pockets her phone, mind made up. She tells herself that there's nothing wrong with a night out. Nothing wrong with wanting to cheer her partner up, right?

But there probably is something wrong with the way her pulse is racing at just the memory of his eyes on her across the desk, the image burned into her brain as she steps out of the precinct and into the night.

* * *

It's almost enough. The burn of the whiskey along his throat, the banter between the boys, the bar he's loved since his college days full of patrons laughing, talking, having a good time. It's almost enough to drown her out, to drown out the voice in his head saying he's a fool to keep walking away, to keep letting this thing between them go unspoken, unresolved. It's almost enough to forget the pain in his chest when he wonders, like so many times before, if he's doing the right thing by letting it go, letting her go; wonders if that's what she wants, if she's happy. It's almost enough but…it's not.

He takes a long drink, sets the glass back on the table, and forces himself to engage in the conversation. The guys are in typical form tonight, joking and ribbing each other. It's good to be out, despite his wandering mind. It's still better to be here than to have gone home to an empty loft. Alexis had plans with Ashley tonight and his mother is out doing things he probably _doesn't_ want to know about.

Besides, it's been a long time since he's had friends that weren't part of a contrived social scene. He's always enjoyed the poker nights with his writer crew and there used to be the occasional games he arranged with the mayor and the judge. But those are a rare occurrence now that he spends most of his days at the Twelfth and his evenings writing Nikki; and they aren't the kind of people he'd call up on a random night to grab a drink anyway.

The boys are like family to him and he's grateful for that, for them. Under any other circumstances he'd be having a great time. It's just that there's an ever-present ache that resonates through him whenever his thoughts slip back to her. A longing and a bitterness that resides there tonight because no matter how many times he tries to push them away, she's wrapped up in everything, always...

"You're just lucky Beckett didn't catch you!" Esposito taunts Ryan and his focus shifts back to the debate going on at their table, inwardly groaning at the mention of her name. Point proven.

"Dude, I swear Jenny made me do it!"

"Really? That's what you're going with, bro? Your girl _made_ you do it?" Esposito snickers at the detective, whose face is growing redder by the minute.

"It was _one_ time, Javi, _once._"

"One time was more than enough, man. I'll never be able to erase the images from my mind."

Castle chuckles at the disdainful look on Espo's face. The idea of him walking in on Ryan in the break room doing…_ugh, _yeah_, _so maybe he doesn't want to imagine it, can't help but grimace at the thought. He's so staying out of this.

"See bro, Castle thinks it's creepy too!" Esposito gestures toward him. So much for staying out of it…

"Whatever!" Ryan glares at them both, mumbling again, "It was one time," before downing the rest of his beer and setting it down on the table with a loud clink. "I'm going to grab another drink."

"Hey, hold up, I'll come with you," Esposito says, suddenly distracted as he types out something on his phone. Probably Lanie. He's been texting her all night. "And don't think we're done discussing this."

"You need anything Castle?" Ryan asks, looking back, pointedly ignoring Esposito.

"I'm good," he laughs, glancing down at his half empty glass. _Half empty_…he really needs to get his shit together.

He watches the detectives walk toward the bar, thinks over the day's events for the hundredth time, finally gives up any pretense of distracting himself. He has too many questions, too many nagging thoughts about his relationship with Beckett - or lack of one.

It's just…she _has_ to feel something. He can't be imagining these moments they have. The chemistry between them is so strong that it's a constant battle to hold himself back. He's so damn exhausted from resisting it, from resisting her. And he's reached the point where he can no longer stomach watching her waste her time with these other men, in relationships that seem to be going nowhere. He's tried telling himself that she's happier this way, tried to tell himself that he will take whatever she gives because he owes that to her after invading her life in so many ways; but maybe that's bullshit. Maybe it's just the cowardly way out when there's so much more they could be. Maybe he's doing exactly what he's angry at her for: playing it safe. She practically admitted she keeps one foot out the door, isn't diving in. He wants to invade her space, pull her toward him, to force her to try and deny it, to make her look him in the eyes and tell him she doesn't feel it too. He thinks that if he could touch her, _just once_, not under the guise of being undercover, but touch her for _real_, no excuses this time, that maybe, _maybe_ she'd see how good this could be.

A smoldering blaze of desire hums through his veins, a combination of imagining her body against his and the drink in front of him that's all but gone now. He's lost in these thoughts when all the words in his head suddenly disappear; dying the instant he sees her walk through the door of his bar.

His breath catches in his throat and he's frozen. He blinks his eyes, not entirely convinced that he isn't seeing things, that his imagination hasn't conjured up the image of her. Regardless, he's captivated by her movements, can't drag his eyes away. She's laughing, head tilted, eyes wide and happy as she walks through the bar with Lanie at her side. It's impossible for him to hear her from this distance and over the dull roar of the crowd tonight but he'd swear he could anyway. He's memorized that sound, the rich cadence of its tone has swept over him countless times throughout the last couple of years. He still remembers the first time he heard it, so uniquely her, truly free and uninhibited. He felt himself fall a little deeper in love with her in that moment, realized that he'd do anything to hear it again - get chased by rabid dogs, trip over his own two feet, even sacrifice himself for a date auction at his mother's hands if it caused that beautiful sound to spill from her lips.

His chest contracts as he watches the girls make their way toward the bar. It's almost too much for him right now, the sight of her in a dress, those legs that stretch forever, so rarely uncovered. She's shrugging off her coat, unveiling even more skin and he has to force himself to breathe. They've met up with Ryan and Espo now, which means it's only a matter of time before…

She turns toward the booth.

For a second their eyes meet, hold steady across the room. The smile that lights up her face has him struggling to stay seated. Every nerve ending in his body is alive, alert to her presence. She's luminescent. Everything about the look on her face is sending warning signals, nothing about what he's feeling is one-sided and it breaks him.

He doesn't know why she's here, what she's doing when she's supposed to have plans with Josh, when he's supposed to be done with the temptation of being near her tonight, but damnit he's not going to let another opportunity pass him by. He's had just enough drinks, just enough time to let the thoughts and the longing seep into his veins, swallow him whole, and if she's bold enough to come here and look at him like that, he's not letting this go on any longer.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hanging By This Moment Part 2**

For a moment she's afraid that maybe he's already left when she doesn't see him with the boys. And maybe it'd be better if he had. She's been nervous about coming to the Old Haunt ever since she formed the idea. Lanie had to practically drag her there (_Girl, this was your suggestion!_) and even at that she still found herself having to down an extra glass of wine at dinner beforehand.

She has no clue what she's doing anymore. It shouldn't be a big deal. She's only hanging out with her friends, her partner. But somehow she knows it's not _only_ that. Has it ever been _only_ that? Would she really go home, shower, spend forever in front of her closet puzzling over what to wear if it meant nothing? Would she have chosen this black dress, these heels, the cherry scented fragrance she still remembers him taking note of like it was a secret meant for only him – would she have done these things if he didn't mean _more_ to her than just a partner? It's been an entire evening spent alternating between denial and some innate need to be near him again.

The boys nod toward a booth and she can't help but smile when she spots him there. It's a reaction so natural at this point she doesn't attempt to suppress it. It's not at all fair how good he looks when he hasn't even changed from what he's worn all day. It's only been several hours since she's seen him and it still stirs a warmth inside her, his presence both a comfort and a catalyst that sets her heart racing.

His eyes meet hers and now…now he's looking at her across the room like he wants to devour her, the emotion on his face so undisguised that she can feel her hands shaking as she reaches for the drink Lanie hands her from the bar.

Before she knows it they're all walking back to the booth, shuffling into seats, and somehow (like there was any other choice) she winds up sitting next to him, the tension between them palpable, almost stifling.

The boys and Lanie are laughing about something but she can't seem to focus on anything but the heat of his body, too close but not nearly close enough. He seems to be having the same problem because his eyes have yet to leave hers.

"Hi." His voice ghosts across the bare skin of her shoulder, deliciously low and she shivers, chills shooting down her spine.

"Hi," she returns, proud that she's able to keep her voice even, to not give away the erratic beating of her heart.

"I thought you had plans?" _With Josh._

"They changed." _Because I'd rather see you than wait at home for him._

He nods at that, lifts his glass and finishes the last of his drink before meeting her eyes again. "I'm glad."

She swallows nervously, lets the warmth of his words wash over her. "Me too."

He smiles and she feels herself relax a little into the wood of the booth, lets out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding and they finally turn their attention back to the others.

Hours pass while they talk and laugh, the crowd gradually thinning around them. She's happy she came tonight. Everyone seems to be having fun, the mood considerably lightened by the banter between the boys and Lanie's directness that has a way of always keeping Esposito in line. Castle is slightly more quiet than usual but it doesn't seem like anything is wrong. It's more that there's an intensity to him that she's not used to, an electricity in his gaze, his words measured, chosen carefully. But she can tell he meant what he said, he's glad she's there. She can feel it in the air between them, in the accidental brush of their hands as he reaches for his drink, in the way that he's angled his body just barely towards hers, the distance between them seeming to shrink with each passing minute.

Around midnight his phone buzzes on the table, a call from Alexis, and he excuses himself to his office.

It's not long afterward that she spies Espo giving Lanie what she's sure he believes are subtle clues that he's ready to leave. Yeah…not so much but she can't help but smile. They both deserve to be happy. She nudges Ryan under the table and he smirks.

"Looks like someone is ready to go."

Lanie rolls her eyes and smacks Esposito on the shoulder, "C'mon Javi, let's go before you embarrass yourself any more than you already have."

Ryan continues to smirk while Espo glares at him. Lanie and he slide out of the booth and Ryan stands as well, looking at his watch. "I guess I'm going to head out too. Tell Castle goodbye for us, Beckett?"

"Sure, yeah, you guys have a good night."

She bites at her bottom lip, finds herself alone. She glances around the bar, taking note that it's almost empty. She should probably (_definitely)_ go now. But she doesn't want to leave without telling him goodbye. She wonders if she should wait at the table or go downstairs. He's been gone about fifteen minutes and she doesn't want to intrude if there's anything wrong with Alexis.

Oh, screw it, she doesn't want to sit around by herself, she'll just go down there, say a quick thanks for the drinks (_he never lets them pay_) and go.

* * *

She makes her way down the wooden steps, wondering what he's done with the office since he bought the place. She had been down here once since, right after the case they had when he'd first taken over the bar, but he'd not had a chance to do anything yet. She's never admitted to him just how cool she thinks it is that he's so interested in The Old Haunt's history and all of the traditions surrounding the place. She loves the way he lights up when he talks about it, loves when she discovers these things that are genuinely him, enjoys hearing stories from his past. There are actually a lot of things she's never admitted that she finds intriguing about him and they share more similarities than she's ever been willing to reveal. Maybe it's time she start admitting some of those things.

She can hear him saying goodbye and she pauses at the bottom of the stairs, watches as he runs a hand through his hair, his back still to her, seeming not to notice that she's there.

She takes a moment to admire the broad expanse of his back. His jacket was long gone when she arrived tonight, the charcoal gray shirt he wore underneath fits him snugly and she can see the hard outline of muscles that stretch across his shoulders.

She takes a deep breath, brushes a strand of hair behind her ear, and opens her mouth to speak. He must finally sense her there because he turns abruptly, startles when he sees her by the steps.

"Kate…"

"I was just coming to say goodnight. Lanie and the boys left but I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye and thanking you for the drinks."

He glances at the clock on the wall. "Oh, yeah, I guess it is getting late. Sorry about being gone so long. Apparently my mother and her friends decided to have happy hour in the loft earlier tonight and Alexis was trying to figure out the best way to get maraschino cherry juice out of the rug…" He rolls his eyes dramatically.

She laughs and arches an eyebrow at him. "I take it club soda didn't work?"

"No, and neither did lemon juice which is the best solution according to Google. Guess I'll be calling the cleaner again tomorrow."

They drift into silence and she plays with the chain of her mother's necklace nervously, turning the ring over and over again. He's running his hand across one of the toy dinosaurs sitting on the desk. Both of them are avoiding eye contact and why is this suddenly so awkward? It was supposed to be a quick goodbye but now that she's here she's not sure what to say.

"Well, I guess I should go."

She begins to walk away, fully prepared to make a break for it up the stairs, desperate to escape the tension that's descended upon them, when she feels his hand catch her wrist.

"Wait."

His voice is lower than she thinks she's ever heard it and she can feel her pulse begin to race, her heart thumping within her chest. She turns back slowly, her eyes trailing from the place where he's still touching her, and then up and along his body until she finally meets his gaze.

A moment passes where neither of them speak; their chemistry is electric, sends sparks shooting through her veins and she watches as his eyes darken. The room is dim, lit only by lamps on the wall, artificial flames meant to mimic the old kerosene lamps she's sure he researched when decorating the office. The soft light flickers across his face, shadowy and almost haunting. It takes her breath away.

"There's something I need to ask you." His voice breaks the silence and she feels his thumb begin to swipe gently, drawing circles along her wrist.

"Hmm?"

His touch is warming her skin, sending butterflies through her stomach and she's entirely distracted by the sensation.

"Why did you come here tonight, Beckett?"

Her heart stutters and her mind scrambles to find an answer. Something about the way the way he's asking and the way he hasn't let go of her makes it impossible to deny the real reason. How can she lie to him when he's looking at her this way?

"I wanted to see you."

"Why?"

She doesn't know what to say. She's not even sure she can explain it, all the things she feels, the way he's become embedded in everything, her mind, her heart. The way he takes the bad days and gives her laughter, smiles. The way the good days are always connected to him. The way he's always there when Josh…_isn't._

His grip on her wrist tightens. "Why, Beckett?" He asks again, voice rougher this time, a little desperate.

She drags her eyes up to his, sees the need reflecting clearly in them, even in the semi-darkness of his office.

"I just…I don't know, Castle."

She ducks her head, lets her hair fall across her face, suddenly terrified. It's too much. They don't do this. They don't talk about these things. She doesn't know why he's pushing her tonight, what has made him decide to cross the lines they don't cross and she feels like she's suffocating, like the walls are closing in around her.

He brings his other hand to cup her chin, draws her face up to meet his gaze again, and trails his fingertips across the line of her jaw, tucking the hair behind her ear. She can feel her body trembling underneath his touch, can only imagine the emotions her face is betraying. She's completely unguarded right now, at his mercy.

He observes her for a moment and she can see his mind is working at something, struggling to choose his words. He finally sighs. "You could be happy, Kate. You deserve to be happy."

His eyes are shining at her, full of something she's scared to decipher, something she's positive is a reflection of her own.

"What makes you think that I'm not?"

It's defensive, a futile attempt to stall the conversation, laughable really but she doesn't know what else to do. She's too afraid to say what she knows she should and too swept up in him to walk away.

"Because you're here." _Not with him_.

She wants to be angry. She wants to yell and shove him away and fight against his presumptiveness. She wants to punish him for calling her out, for disrupting the careful balance of her life, for making her have this conversation when she's not ready, when it's not _safe_.

But she doesn't. She can't. Because he's _right._

"Tell me you don't feel this too and I will let you go right now. Tell me that you're happy with him, Kate."

His blue eyes are piercing with the same intensity she's felt all night.

"Tell me, Kate!"

He flips them around in an instant and she feels herself being pressed up against the antique wooden desk, his hands coming to rest along the surface on either side of her. She's overwhelmed by the closeness of his body, the woodsy scent of his cologne, the lingering sweetness of the whiskey he drank tonight, and it takes every ounce of self-restraint she has not to wrap herself around him.

She can feel his breath warm against her cheek as he waits her out. He's not letting her off the hook tonight. It's as though something in him has finally snapped, the weight of all the things they never voice has finally done him in. And he's determined to take her down with him.

She squeezes her eyes shut. She can't think clearly with him this close, his body, his mouth just inches away. She's every bit as exhausted as he is from fighting this. So tired of resisting his touch, the comfort he brings, the adrenaline that flows through her whenever he's beside her.

"I can't."

He moves his hands to her shoulders, trails his fingertips down her arms, finally takes her hands in his.

"I can't tell you that I don't feel it too, Castle." The words come out choked and she can feel the tears pooling in her eyes as she realizes just how far deep she's in this, just how incredibly affected she is by him.

"Then let me be the one who gets to do this."

He reaches up, swipes his thumb across her cheek, catches the tear before it falls.

"I don't know how," she admits.

"Just give me a chance to prove to you how good this can be."

He recaptures her hands, squeezes gently, and she feels her pulse quicken, just waiting, anticipating where he's going with this. He has this look in his eyes as though he's been planning this all along and she's too caught up in wondering what's next to prepare for his movements.

"I'd start right here," he murmurs, pulling her hand up to his mouth. "Where I can feel the way your heart beats faster underneath my lips."

He presses a soft kiss to inside of her wrist, right at her pulse point and she has to fight to keep her eyes from fluttering shut.

"Then, I'd work my way up your arms, watch the way your body reacts to my fingertips skimming across your bare skin."

He runs his hands along her arms, slowly, _oh god_, so slowly, and she can't suppress the shiver that runs through her body at the feeling as he stares at her with unmasked longing.

"And I'd never be able to resist teasing this spot, right here."

He brushes her hair back, lightly traces a pattern along her collarbone, and she unconsciously tilts her head to the side, can feel her legs weakening. His eyes flash at her, dark and dangerous and so incredibly sexy as he leans closer, presses his lips against her neck, just below her ear.

She gasps as his mouth brushes over her skin, his breath a warm caress and she feels like she's on fire, burning from his touch. It's wrong, it's so incredibly wrong but she can't help the moan that escapes her as he works his way along the slope of her jaw, inching closer, _so much closer_ to where she longs for their mouths to meet.

It's overwhelming how badly she wants him. She's melting under his hands, his lips and it's incredible how good this feels, how he can evoke such a strong reaction when he's barely even touching her. She has to fight to stay still, to keep herself from falling against him, into his arms and never letting go again.

He pauses at the corner of her mouth. Presses the faintest of kisses to the skin there before pulling back and it takes everything she has not to chase his mouth with hers.

"Someday I will kiss you again, Kate, and when I do, it will be for real. Someday…when you're ready."

She can't speak. He's reduced her to a wordless mess of need, her body thrumming with desire, arousal, _him._

"But for now, the only place I really, _truly_ need to be is here."

He takes her hand, raises it along with his, clasps them together against her chest so that she can feel her heart beating underneath.

She stares down at their joined hands, lifts her eyes back to his and she's surprised to see that they're shining at her, full of emotion that causes her own throat to clog again.

"I know you're not mine. I know this is not my choice to make. But I can't live my life wondering what could have been if I hadn't told you how I feel. Kate, I'm in love with you."

* * *

He watches the emotions play across her face, a mixture of surprise and a little bit of fear. But it's something else that strikes him, something a lot like _I love you too_ written in her eyes. There's a longing there he's only seen in times where he knows she doesn't think he's looking, times when he's caught her off guard, times when they've both found themselves in situations they aren't sure they'll make it out of. But now…now it's all on display, unguarded; and for the first time she's letting him see everything, giving this to him the only way she knows how.

She opens her mouth to speak and he waits breathlessly, tries to prepare himself for whatever she's about to say, just as the sound of her ringtone blares from her purse, still resting by the foot of the stairs where she dropped it earlier.

He wants to scream, wants to run across the room and smash her phone, throw it against the wall because, _no_, this is not the time, this can't be happening again.

She bites her lip, hesitating. They both know there are only two possibilities: murder or Josh.

She backs away and his heart sinks with every step she takes.

He wishes he could disappear, crawl under his desk and hide because he just bared his entire soul to her and she holds his heart in her hands. It's hers now to keep or demolish all in a matter of seconds.

And then, the words he's feared the most spill from her lips as she answers the call. "Josh…hey_._"

He turns away, just like he did eight hours before because he can't face her now. Doesn't know if he can face her ever again if she chooses _him_ after the moment they just shared.

He sits against the edge of his desk, finds a spot to focus on on the wall, silently willing this to just end as he faintly hears the doctor saying something to her on the other side of the line.

"Okay…yeah," she speaks and he closes his eyes, clenches his jaw because he cannot believe that she's going to have a conversation with him right here, right _now._

"Tomorrow? I can do that. 12:30…alright, bye."

He nearly jumps when he feels her touch his shoulder. When did she get so close? He exhales slowly as her hand climbs, curls around the back of his neck, and she comes to stand in front of him.

"Hey."

Her voice is soft, tentative, unspoken apologies swimming in her eyes.

"I needed to take that."

He lowers his gaze to stare at the floor. "Yeah."

She angles his face back up, forces him to meet her gaze. He can't decipher the look on her face. Determination maybe? She clears her throat and starts again.

"I needed to take it because I do feel this."

She reaches for his hand, entwines their fingers, presses them to her chest where her heart is thundering beneath her skin.

"And I can't keep walking away from you."

He swallows back the wave of emotion that sweeps over him with her words, fights the urge to pick her up and spin her around and never let her go again. He can hardly believe what she's saying, that this is actually happening, and he's completely at a loss for words, knows he's practically gaping at her with wide eyes.

"Didn't think it was possible to shut you up that easily, Castle." She nudges him with her knee playfully. He expects to see her signature smirk but instead she's smiling, can't keep the joy from shining on her face.

He leans closer, trails his thumb along her bottom lip.

"If it means I get to do this, I'll gladly shut up."

Her eyes darken as her mouth falls open under his caress. She exhales, an audible breath filled with yearning and promise; and she sinks toward him, rests her forehead against his.

They're having a moment; and this time he's not afraid of the end.

* * *

_AN_: _Once again, infinite thanks and love to Nic and Jess for encouragement and edits on this. Also, thank you all so much for the reviews and follows! I've been amazed at the response. And as always, I'd love to hear your thoughts._


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